Posted in Stories of Abuse, Neglect and Abandonment

The Second Visit…My Fault???

***Let me preface this and all stories with one caveat. I do not tell them for sympathy, or to seek attention for myself. I tell them so that other victims out there realize a few things:

1. First and Foremost you are not alone. There are many ways and methods to get help, even if you feel that you can’t because it will make matters worse. There are safe havens to turn to.

2. You are strong and resilient. You can survive and thrive! You have done nothing wrong, the blame lies firmly and completely on the other side of “the pond”

3. If you feel you need to talk and there is no one else you can talk to message me, I will help you figure it out. You are never alone. There is strength in that. ***

 

We all have those moments in our life that we wish we could take back. Decisions that we wish we could choose the reverse of. For the longest time this decision was one of mine, I wanted to choose a different path. For all the other times that He came to me- or had me come to Him, I knew it wasn’t my fault. This was the only time I ever blamed myself. It took years of professional and self therapy to get to the point where I understood it wasn’t my fault. That no matter what I chose that night He would have found me, I just might have made it easier in the beginning; the opening scene more or less. He was the one with the issues not me….

I don’t remember how old my brother was, around 1 1/2-2 maybe? But I do know that for as long as I can remember I always wanted a little brother or sister so that I could do all those sibling things. One that Carol never allowed me to do because of our age gap (8 years) was to bath with him.

That night though, she wasn’t home and I was bathing him. He said I could bath with  little Brother, very much to my delight! So, I drew up a bubble bath and I left on my bra and underwear, because I felt it was close to a bikini and that way my nakedness wouldn’t mess with lil Bro that much.

The bath was fun (I wasn’t really bathing mind you, just enjoying the experience) and lil Bro had a blast. Just before I was going to start pulling him out from the bath in walks Him… I should have figured, I should have known that the situation would have called to Him and enticed Him to enter the bathroom and touch me, I should have known He would see that I was vulnerable and wet, again. These were my thoughts as soon as I saw Him. These were the negative thoughts I carried on throughout the next decade and change, knowing it was somehow my fault- this one incident was all my fault regardless of what came before and after.

He walked in and shut the door behind Him, (why shut the door when the rest of the house was empty?) before kneeling down in front of the tub. He pretended to be interested in lil Bro for a few minutes before turning His attention to me fully. He asked if I had washed yet. When I told Him I was going to later, after putting lil Bro to bed, He said that He would wash me now. He wanted to make sure I knew how to wash myself properly.

The first thing He washed was my arms, very slowly and very carefully. It was like he was taking His time, making things drawn out to keep me there even longer. He moved on to my back, scrubbing in circles almost gently. He told me He was going to unhook my bra to have better access to my back and not to worry. What did I even need to wear a bra for anyway? It wasn’t like I had breasts like Carol’s. Maybe He just needed to massage them for me some.

Next thing I know, He is rubbing on my breasts, using the same circles that he used on my back, only now and then He is adding in little pinches to my nipples. At this point I am wondering what my poor lil Brother is going through. I leaned forward as far as I can and start playing with him again, trying to ignore Him. It worked for a couple minutes. He took His hands off me completely.  However, when He put them back on, it was to place them on my stomach. He said He wanted to make sure that I was especially clean in my lady parts and I should just relax.

He first began rubbing my vagina with a soapy washcloth. He actually rubbed it so hard that it hurt, and gave me a version of rug burn, using the wash cloth. When I cried out in pain, he switched to using a soapy hand. At first He only rubbed along the outside of my vagina, soon however, he moved to rubbing the folds themselves and then the insides of my clit and vagina. When His fingers weren’t enough to satisfy Him, He used the soap to open up my opening more for Him. After I was open enough to allow 3 fingers to enter and violate my body without much resistance, He lost the soap. He then proceeded to “clean” the most “vital” part of my body for about 5 minutes.

During this time I tried to play with lil Bro, trying to keep things as normal as possible for him. He shouldn’t have to pay for his father doing things that I was very uncomfortable with Him doing. After about 5 minutes, I managed to come up with a distraction. I told Him that lil Bro needed to get to bed, that in fact it was past his bedtime already. That was enough to get Him up and out of the bathroom since when Carol wasn’t home, all of lil Bro’s care fell to me.

Naturally, I thought that was it for the night. I got lil Bro down for the night and went to my room where I planned to stay the rest of the night. I locked the door and laid down in my bed with a book. It was probably about 30 minutes later that my door handle rattled as He tried to come into my room. He knocked on the door and the told me to open the door. Of course I had to, because I didn’t play like I was asleep. I should have, and I don’t know why I didn’t unless I was making noise or something. Which is highly possible. I often listened to music laying in bed back then. No matter the reason, it was to ingrained in me to listen to those older than me, esp. parental figures (even if Carol bad-mouthed my Dad at every opportunity and wouldn’t even let me call him Dad) to think about not listening to Him.

He came into my room and told me to lay down on my bed. He said that it was time for our next lesson. When I told him I was tired from my long day and that I needed to go to sleep He said it wouldn’t take very long and that all I had to do was lay down and enjoy the lesson. When I told Him that I still hurt from the bath, He said not to worry and that he would be careful. At that point I was out of options, so when He told me to lay down on top of my bed I did.

I laid down with my arms at my sides… similar to the way that you would lay down if you were the one being picked up in a game of “Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board”…..Boy was I stiff as a board. Of course, He didn’t care if I was stiff or not, so long as He could move my legs and gain access once again to my vagina. There was no attempt to widen me this time. He went straight to moving three fingers inside my vagina and one around my clit. To me, it seemed to go on forever though I am not actually sure how long it actually went on. I was saved by the bell that night, so to speak. Carol coming home was the reason He stopped.

Looking back now it is funny to think that at least once in my life she saved me. Though if she had known she wouldn’t have done it. No matter though. That is in the past and it all shaped me into the strong, resilient woman that I am. 

 

Author:

I am a single mom of a beautiful 7 year old boy. I am a Witch, an Empath and have a very caring heart. I look out for those around me and do the best I can for those close to me while raising my son the best I can. I am a retired from the AIr Force and now am a SAHM. I co-own a photography company and am trying to talk myself into finishing off my psychology degrees; that there will be a use for them in the future, lol! I love life, with all the joy and sorrow it brings. Some of the stories I will share are what made me who I am. I'm proud of who I am, so please, as you read don't feel sorry for me. I write them for those who have been touched and are still suffering, and those looking for a way out now. You are not alone. There's always someone to reach out to, even if it's hard to see. If anyone needs to talk I'm here, please don't be afraid to reach it!!!

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