I have fallen in love many times in my life. I don’t believe in holding back my heart. I believe in loving for all you are worth. You never know where it will take you, and yes, you can get hurt but at least you gave it a shot. I believe in myself enough to move past the hurt, to come out the other side stronger for the experience, so that I am okay with falling in love, with giving my heart freely. I give my friendship freely for the same reason, because of the faith I have in myself.
Yet I have never fallen in love like I did the day my son was born. You see, I always wanted kids. So when I hit 30 with still no real prospects of a family of my own, I found a donor and had my son on my own. I loved him from the first heart stopping moment the home test said I was pregnant. That moment of panic that said, welp… you are in the sh!t now!
My last trimester I couldn’t wait to just be done- I was soooooo over being pregnant! I just wanted to have my baby boy in my arms already. Then….then came the delivery. I had to be induced because even in this he was stubborn. He carries his Momma’s genes well! When he finally came out I was just over being in labor- but couldn’t hold him right away because they needed to check something.
So, as they are sewing me up I am trying to look at this little life I made between the bars of my bed, and I can’t really see him. And honestly? At that point I wasn’t really feeling anything towards him! But damn did I want to see him anyway!!! Then….then they put him in my arms… and it was love at first sight, complete and total love. I was lost. I was never going to love another like I loved this little being that was in my arms (unless I ended up with more kids of course) nor was I going to be more devoted to anyone on this planet or any other.
Like I have said before, I fall easily. But I have never felt anything like this before. That was almost 8 years ago now. The feeling only grows everyday. Even the days where I want to wring his neck. He is so much like me, only he is going to be so much smarter. Now there is love beyond measure there. A love I can’t even describe. It is true when they say that a child is you heart walking around outside your body. I want this piece of me to be good and kind, caring and compassionate, wise and honorable, smart and witty. So many things I wish for him.
Then, that love is wrapped up in fear. Fear that you can’t teach them all they need to know in this world, that you can’t keep up with the dangers, that you can’t prepare them for life, that they will be beat down by life, bullied, hurt, turn on you the way you see other kids turn. That your heart will become one of the kids you see doing the school shootings, or a suicide, or any number of negative things because somehow you lose them, you just disconnect. And that is the biggest of all fears. That you lose your heart, because even if you do- you will still love them with every fiber of your being. How would you reconcile that?
My son is 7 now, almost 8, and these are the fears that chase around and around in my head. All the while I give him all the love and guidance I can. I surround him with people that love him and lift him up. Give him what I can to show him that right paths. Make him do chores to learn the value of work, and an allowance to learn the value of money. Let him express himself in his hair, clothes and etc. so he is free to find himself in safe ways. I try to keep negative people out of his life, without sheltering him. All the while I am so in love with this little boy. He is so amazing, he’s the best part of me. He’s the purest love I have ever had! Next to him is of course my first love, but there is always something innocent about first loves, where as the love of a child is pure. Totally different!!!
Dedicated to my Heart
~You Make My Heart Beat~